We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize