By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
