im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Pooping to opera.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
