i just identified you from a description of your pipe
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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