i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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