booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
