Someone shit on the floor
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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