i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
