im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just want nice things and good sex
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
