I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
