You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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