yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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