so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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