just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
