Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
