good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
