my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize