The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
