It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
