I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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