when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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