trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
