I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize