Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
