come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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