he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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