I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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