your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
