Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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