this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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