Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
