so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
