bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
