i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
