I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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