Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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