there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
