When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
