im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
