the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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