Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
