Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
