I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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