More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Be still, my beating vagina.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
