Where are you?
In a non slutty way
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
