Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
