you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
