im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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