I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
