look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
