More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
