How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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