I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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