oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
