high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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