I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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