Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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