Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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