Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
